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Post by ratty on Dec 19, 2023 21:30:09 GMT
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Post by Sigurdur on Dec 21, 2023 1:01:18 GMT
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Post by blustnmtn on Dec 21, 2023 19:20:05 GMT
It’s a great gift idea though. 😊 |
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Post by ratty on Dec 22, 2023 0:01:30 GMT
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Post by ratty on Dec 22, 2023 21:31:21 GMT
Billy, an old station hand, was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."
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Post by ratty on Dec 26, 2023 21:15:51 GMT
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Post by blustnmtn on Jan 2, 2024 14:05:48 GMT
 Unfortunately, the joke is on us! |
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Post by Sigurdur on Jan 2, 2024 18:16:53 GMT
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Post by Sigurdur on Jan 3, 2024 15:54:48 GMT
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Post by ratty on Jan 3, 2024 22:21:38 GMT
This was further down the page .... |
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Post by ratty on Jan 3, 2024 22:49:54 GMT
Sam and Edith Goldberg were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods, daily bran muffins and regular exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath and their favourite clothes hanging in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven - this will be your home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven. “Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees? “This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
Sam looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied, you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam continued to ask...... "No gym to work out at? ""Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.....?""Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.
“Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your bran muffins.! We could have been here 15 years ago!"
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Post by ratty on Jan 4, 2024 21:16:36 GMT
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Post by Sigurdur on Jan 5, 2024 3:33:04 GMT
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Post by ratty on Jan 6, 2024 22:29:55 GMT
Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough!
I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)
I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.
Sorry that I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row, now.
If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!"
I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're going to build a house."
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."
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Post by ratty on Jan 6, 2024 23:58:36 GMT
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