Humour of Any Type

[ratty]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. As he sat down, the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me; if I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."

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A serious message contained herein ....

Once upon a time, there was a king who decided to go fishing. Before setting off, he called the royal weather forecaster and asked for the weather prediction for the next few hours. The forecaster confidently assured the king that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
Trusting the weatherman's expertise, the king and his wife, the queen, set out for their fishing trip. On their way, they encountered a farmer riding a donkey. The farmer, noticing the royal couple, respectfully warned, "Your Majesty, you should head back to the palace immediately. I predict that a heavy downpour is about to fall in this area."
The king, though polite, dismissed the farmer's warning with a smile. "I hold my palace meteorologist in high regard," he said. "He is highly educated and experienced, and I pay him handsomely for his services. He assured me that there would be no rain, so I trust his forecast and will continue on my way."
Ignoring the farmer's advice, the king and queen continued on their journey. But soon, the skies opened up, and a torrential rain began to pour. The king and queen were drenched, and their entourage couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of them, soaked and humiliated.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and immediately fired the royal meteorologist. He then summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and well-paying position of royal forecaster.
The farmer, surprised, replied, "Your Majesty, I don't know anything about weather forecasting. I simply observe my donkey. When his ears droop, it’s a sure sign that rain is on the way."
Amused by the farmer’s simplicity, the king decided to hire the donkey instead.
And so began the practice of appointing "dumb asses" to hold important positions in the government—an unfortunate tradition that, it seems, continues to this day.

[ratty]

Don't read on if easily offended ....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.
"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"
"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

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Table Manners

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Vintage Dave Allen

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Two hunters were walking through the timber and came across a huge deep hole in the ground. "I wonder how deep that thing is?" says one of the guys.

"Lets toss something down it and see if we can hear it hit bottom." says the other.

They look around a little and find an old transmission laying in the weeds and decide that should make a nice sound as it hits the bottom of the hole. They drag it over and toss it in the hole.

All the sudden a goat comes running out of the bushes and dives down in the hole headfirst. As they stare in amazement a farmer comes walking up to them. "Hey fella's, have you seen my goat?"

"As a matter of fact, YES WE HAVE! " the 2 hunters reply.

"He came running out of the bushes doing about a 100 miles an hour and dove into this hole here!"

"That can't be." says the farmer, "I had him tied to a transmission."

[Sigurdur]

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Not funny?

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[Sigurdur]

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The Front Fell Off

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